About Me

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Yilan, Taiwan
I just returned back to the States after 11 years in Taiwan with my daughter. Taiwan is an excellent base for us explore Asia, while living in relative (gun free) safety, while benefiting from a cheap and efficient national health care system. The people are amazing too. I have Taiwanese friendships that are 20 years old and I'm always making new ones! My coworker here in CO is from Taiwan.

Friday, August 31, 2018

Surviving Elementary School in Taiwan: Was It Worth It?

5th grade at her mountain school
Yesterday was my daughter Z's first (full day) of junior high. I can't believe it. She had quite a bit of anxiety building up about how she would be accepted by her classmates, if she would be bullied as in elementary school. 

The truth is that the majority of her classmates and teachers from preschool to present are kind, friendly, generous people. Of course, there is always one or two rotten guavas in the bunch and its turned my hair gray to help her realize that those kids' opinions don't really matter, despite how much it hurts. In this point, there is no difference between school in Taiwan or the States, except perhaps she would have more family loving on her when she needed it, verses from just me. The weight of that injustice at my choice of remaining here isn't lost on me.

Her last elementary school year and a half were no picnic. Mid 5th grade, her friend flipped into her "frenemy" and became the gang leader. Z was singled out, targeted, the girls were cruel, they ganged up on her. All of them screaming in her face at the drop of a hat was too much. Nights were full of tears. I waited for her teacher to do something, anything- she didn't. I encouraged her to hang with the boys, like El from "Stranger Things" but she is much too influenced by local culture which is voluntarily segregated in comparison to my own elementary school experience.

Finally when this girl hit Z, well that was the final straw for me. I felt like I was patient enough, the kids didn't work it out, Z wasn't handling it, the teacher even with some kind of counseling training, wasn't using her training. I saw the dark hopelessness in her soul one night and quickly found a wonderful counselor who probably saved her life. My daughter was diagnosed with PTSD and it was through this perspective she navigated through 6th grade and now starting junior high. That last 6th grade year, I was a regular visitor to the principal's for tea with him, her teacher and a translator. We were on the same page, which is to all of our credit.

Interestedly, in the beginning of 6th grade, my daughter introduced to her classmates the Tree of Knowledge,  which is rock music.  They had never heard of Guns and Roses, Nirvana, Talking Heads. Z expressed her disdain for K-pop, any pop, showed them the video for "Welcome to the Jungle" and like the forbidden fruit, their eyes were opened. (They thought Axl and Slash were women!) The class quickly became divided into Nirvana vs G+R (but in a friendly way). Even the K-pop mean girls preferred Bon Jovi. They joined Spotify, now watch Netflix, Comedy Central in their homes. My kid expanded their world and helped them unlock their individuality,  so some of them matured enough not to be a part of the mean girl herd.

Graduating Kindergarten with her BF
 The universe is I believe benevolent. Throughout her life in Taiwan, there were always that special friend in class, or the neighborhood who she could pair up with outside the classroom. Z became close friends with the kids on the periphery, one girl who is borderline autistic and a boy who is openly bisexual (and in love with Dave Grohl). Having those friendships that last year was a godsend. They continue to be her peer support hanging out in the summer, even into the first days of junior high. This girlfriend is in her 7th-grade class, the other boy in a class nearby. And those mean girls? They go to a "better school" in Yilan City. Good riddance.

Not Standing For Ceremony

I never understood why Taiwan's final exams are weeks before the end of school, they don't do any academic learning, its like graduated babysitting. That last week of elementary school, Z was so over it. My kid announced to her classmates and teachers she wouldn't be going to their graduation ceremony, she was an outsider, they made that clear enough. This was a shockingly HUGE controversy. We always seem to rock the boat by just being ourselves. Yet to anyone who was close to her, teachers, those few friends didn't mind, weren't offended, they understood. She went to her two favorite teachers and told them personally, please don't take her not coming as disrespect.

Their S. African English teacher (who translated for my teacher conferences) was surprisingly strongly opinionated on the subject, trying to convince me that we would regret it someday, but we didn't, and we won't. It was my kid's decision, I pick my battles. Still, I asked my American and European coworkers (also parents) their feedback, because being a single mom can make me question my own mind, especially when being pressured and it was nice to be validated. In Taiwan, graduation ceremonies are a big deal. In kindergarten, my kid was in a cap and gown! It was over the top for sure, but for how much I paid (14,000 NT a month with my teacher's discount), what the hell!?

Grade 2 Anping, Tainan

My only argument for her going to her elementary graduation was that sometimes we humans need ceremony, a public ritual to psychically close a chapter, process an end, at least as a way to have a clean slate for a fresh start. I didn't push it though. So instead, we went to Kenting and she got her PADI Open Water scuba diving certification. We stayed at the new, laid-back Blue Hole and she got certified by legend expat Andy Gray, while I snorkeled and did some SUP. We did a fun dive with the guys at Blue Hole and returned to Yilan too mellow to care for what acquaintances think.

I was proud my kid dug in her heels, I admired her. Her class, those means girls begged her to come to their graduation ceremony. We had to go to Taipei for some AIT business (the ad hoc US embassy) and her class made this big beautiful card while she was absent. Each child and her teacher wrote her a letter, apologizing, all asking her to come to their graduation. If it were me, I would have buckled, caved under social pressure to be polite. Not my kid, she is true grunge. The day of their graduation was a half day and while I was at work, those girls came over bearing gifts (pencils, a bowl, stuff in their backpack) begging her one last time to please come. And it wasn't even out of spite so much, that she didn't want to go but that she would rather listen to music in her room on a Wednesday night. She reminded me of when actor George C. Scott stayed home to watch hockey instead of accepting his Oscar for "Patton", so rock-n-roll! If she was vengeful, she had already got the ultimate revenge, which is getting better grades than all of them.

Z's 6th grade classmates' beautiful card.

The hardest part of navigating parenting a student in Taiwan, as a foreigner is that the problem is always us. It's never the mean girls, or the teacher, or their parents, but it must be Z. Because Z has switched schools several times (new jobs and moving house 4x), this was used via gossip, used as an excuse that the problem was my kid. For example, I have no idea how mean girl #1's mom found out how many times we switched schools, other than someone from school faculty blabbed and they assumed the worst.

On some level, part of the problem of course, is us. At least for me, I am coming from a completely different culture, so that presents its own challenges. For my daughter, I would never tell her the problem is her, she needs to know I am always on her side. However, I am aware that she has a"cup is half empty" personality, and her greatest fear is rejection. Since kindergarten, her focus has been on the mean girl and not that the majority of genuinely nice, sweet kids. This is the gift her biological father gave her when he stopped seeing her at 5 weeks old. She on some level never got over that rejection-yet. Nonetheless, I draw the line at victim blaming.

For The Record

The majority of Z's elementary school life in Taiwan,  like life in general, has been quite the roller coaster. Her first 2 years in Tainan were lovely. Her school in Anping (Yizai) for grades 1-2 has an excellent reputation for parents who care about test grades, and it happened to be just down the street. Her homeroom teacher was proficient, artistic, kind but fierce when she needed to be. My only complaint was when I thought my nightmare came true; one of the scariest moments of my life, my kid was missing.  Her anchingban called me wondering where she was, not with me. Panic. Unbeknownst to me, or her homeroom teacher, or her anchingban, her Taiwanese language teacher was using my kid in a film to promote the Taiwanese language. I was livid. I even ended a friendship over this (another opinionated S. African). The school principal apologized, gave us a T-shirt, we left for Yilan for my new job.

Tai Chi  Class

My new job in Yilan lasted a semester, that was about all I could handle. I quit and naturally took my kid out, as without my teacher's discount I couldn't afford the private school's tuition. Was I happy with Z's experience there? Not even close. Their class was wild. Their homeroom teacher couldn't handle them, the stress made him lose weight he got sick and took leave so they got a retired teacher who also couldn't handle them (same semester). My kid was bullied by a mean girl. It was just one or two girls, but it was enough to affect her quality of life, despite having some sweet girls in there too. My manager to her credit, tried to help with the bullying. But when the semester was over, I happily quit and naturally took her with me.

Her new public school (Kai Shuan) was very close to our then apartment complex outside Yilan City center. Her best friend from our complex was in her class, she got along great with her classmates- probably because all of them were united in their sheer terror of their teacher "Evil Lynn." The homework amount was insane and a point of contention with the teacher.  The best thing about that school was their Taiwanese English teacher Ellen who is an angel and has helped me out more than once.

About the same time I lost my apartment (2-week notice from my landlady), I got my current job in the mountains. We found an apartment near Yilan University and it made sense to have Z go to school near my work because there's no one else going to take her to school or pick her up. So that little mountain school is where she stayed and graduated from. We gladly left Kai Shuan for a more rustic, "alternative" school in the mountains where the homework is reasonable, the principal takes the kids hiking and PE Class is a run around the lake. That's exactly how it was too. Her teacher Jack was an inspiration and her classmates were wonderful. Besides their rancorous music teacher, it was provincial bliss. I don't know why exactly the harmony turned flat. Maybe hormones, or jealousy, or mental illness and with a new homeroom teacher who wasn't pro-active, that her friend became her "frenemy" and the bullying escalated.

We recently saw this girl and her notorious mother in our neighborhood Simple Mart. Her mom was paying in front of me, so I made sure to put my grocery basket on the counter beside her purposely stirring the pot. She couldn't even look me in the eyes.   I don't know what I was expecting, an apology maybe like the one her daughter eventually wrote my kid.

So yes, with expensive therapy, with true friends, understanding teachers, translators, with switching schools and jobs and moving house several times, we survived the elementary school system in Taiwan. Was it all worth my kid being fluent in Mandarin? Being second in her class, writing better Mandarin than her classmates? Time will tell, but I'd like to think she got it right when she wrote on her yearbook page, that's printed for all to read, "Thanks guys! What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."