Dont let the title fool you. Im definately not enlightened or a sage. But I had the slightest of revelations that sort of through me off kilter, back into the flow. Im back on track, although I dont know where I am going
This week was arduous and a blessing. On Sunday night my mind was working overtime. I was thinking of the future (as always) and what to do, stay in Tainan, stay at my current job, stay in Taiwan or move to Tokyo. If I want to move to Japan as some sort of metaphor of getting to a new destination internally. What am I looking for? What is best for Z and what is best for me and realize how I have been sacrificing the past 3 years living in Tainan for her. I prayed for wisdom, for clarification for some sort of message of direction and peace of mind.
The next morning it was swiftly answered. I put on some Joseph Prince on my new stereo and immediately he said it doesn’t matter what country you live in if you live in the city or country, or what job or education, we are blessed w/every spiritual blessing. The blessing is on me, not what I do or where I am and I knew it was God talking to me and it calmed me down. I was settled in my heavenly position, seated above all principalities. And I realized I have been closing blessings from flowing into my life because I am seeking the unknown future. I had this enormous epiphany that if I just remain, rest in the blessed state of knowing NOW that circumstantially I am blessed no matter what, then things will start flowing. It really is that Bjork song “All is full of love.” It hit me that if I just stay in this moment which is the Ultimate Reality, then all the things that are not right will (eventually) be made right. Powerful stuff. I had to reign my mind back constantly through the week, but it was such a powerful experience. Like having hope w/o giving my heart away to be hurt in the process. Enjoying the present without the expectations from my excessive imaginations, yet expecting everything to be made right if I just remain Here, in my rightful place.
I had a great week, ‘tho I stayed up too late every night strumming the guitar and waking early (5 or 6) coz I’m on farmer time all the time. I unleashed torrent of pent up (sexual) energy in my dance class Wednesday, finishing our cool down in a pool of my own ecstatic sweat. Now I’m tired from the end of the week, from Turbulence Training today at lunch and will hit the hay early. Get ready for camping w/kids tomorrow.
I had the strangest dream before I woke this morning. I was at some hot springs and was putting on my swim suit w/o paying attention. When I was walking to the pool I noticed what I was wearing. This sort of Catwoman/Vampire, black, leather swimsuit that had this gigantic Dracula collar. It was more fabric then ‘Id like to wear in the water. I told Z “I can’t wear this! Where is my old swimsuit?” I feel like the dream means that when I get to a vulnerable place (partially nude in public in this case), I still have some kind of armor or people’s impression of me is this kind of dark, sinister power, maybe as a kind of unconscious protection. Maybe it was something to do w/my own Shadow. But since the past few months I feel like I am a snake shedding its skin, being renewed inside and out, having slightly more awareness of my own inner workings. I haven’t been able to do this alone. I just wonder where it will take me (d’och I’m doing it again).