Tiger Mom and Out Come the Claws

Singapore 2014, Boat Quay

Maybe because its Monday and I didn't sleep enough last night, but I am with little patience regarding this music teacher and the school's response. In the school's defense they did have a meeting with the teacher, but that only seemed to intensify her verbal abuse of my kid the following weeks. Its just utter frustration.

Last Thursday this teacher said to the class, "What do we do with little liars who tell their mom lies?" The class responded "Beat them up." And the teacher suggested, "I'm going to cut out her tongue!" The week before that, this teacher again incited the kids, "Class we have  a little tattle-tell who tattled to her Mom and the principal" and then she threatened to, "Take this kid to court and sue" all because my daughter is telling me whats really going on. I asked my child, "Doesn't the kids know she's talking about you?" She answered, "They're too scared of her mom!"

 Most Taiwanese students just put up with it, in fact the staff and other parents have told me, "That's her personality" or  "She has a reputation" and even, " She used to be worse, she's actually better now." None of that is stopping her from picking on my kid for telling me, which is what most abusers of children do, "If you tell your mom I'm going to..."

This week is week 4 and if the school isn't doing anything about it, then it looks like I will have to. I told my kid's homeroom teacher this morning that be prepared, I am showing up during that music class. If they can't schedule a meeting, then I'll just have to do something. Unfortunately I am upset and emotional at this point, which isn't going to help, but I think waiting 4 weeks to meet with the principal (who is busy running for some educational office at the moment) or even meet with this teacher is far too long. I think I have been up to this point quite long-suffering, and of course my child more so.

Its even more tragic when the details of what transpired 4 weeks ago come to the light. I'll have to save my energy for retelling that for the next post. My powerlessness just makes me want to cry, but if I do I'll never stop so its just easier to yield it to my inner puissant jungle pussy. Its going to get freaky.

Teacher-Parent Conflict Resolution and Cultural Differences

The honeymoon is over.

Z's new school and new homeroom teacher continue to overwhelm us with their positivity. Z's recent midterm grades, especially her math and science were higher than her Chinese for the first time. In fact now my daughter loves math all because her brilliant teacher loves math and he loves teaching more. We love this school!

Unfortunately we live in a world with imperfect humans and once again we are having another experience with an abusive (music) teacher. I say once again because in her previous school, her homeroom teacher aka Evil Lyn, was just not able to be impartial, played favorites and was grossly over critical with my child. She took away Z's outdoor recess, gave her more homework, didn't really teach and subsequently my kid hated math. I tried meetings with Evil Lynn (lovingly nicknamed from one of He Man's many enemies) for almost 3 semesters, several times she got reprimanded by the principal, with little improvement.  Let it be known, all of our meetings were civil, I never "lost it" with her, although she "lost it" on my kid several times. But thats history, that was Kai Shuan Elementary near our older apartment. Good riddance.

Other than that, Z's teachers have been phenomenal. Her kindergarten teachers and 1st grade homeroom teachers in Tainan were outstanding. (There was an incident with a Taiwanese language teacher filming Z in a commercial without my knowledge, but the school and teacher apologized, it blew over.)

Bear in mind I am coming from a culture where  job performance is constantly getting assessed and workers constantly get feedback from each other, management and customers. Its much easier to get fired in the US for incompetency than Taiwan, so I think American workers are more apt to respond to glitches and evaluations more positively than in Taiwan, where here they often are in the form of a personal attack. I  know this intimately having worked for Amy/Rebecca a sadist manager in Tainan. Of course she eventually did one big sweeping sincere, umbrella apology for all the times she, yada yada, so I had to forgive her, but her style of management is legendary, unforgettable. Its the reason we all suspect she changed her name.

Another cultural anomaly is the role of a teacher and discipline. Taiwan is a Confucian society and teachers have have a kind of status that parents respect. Thus teachers have significantly more power to discipline students (harshly) here. Taiwanese parents have a kind of social contract with teachers that they can chastise students more so than American teachers. More often the American teacher will call the students' parents for them to do the severer punishment. This has been quite challenging for me as a teacher, but usually my Taiwanese co-teacher plas the "bad cop". I don't think its ever ok to yell in a child's face in front of the class or have students physically fear you, its just not anything close to a learning environment.

When a kid loves music and now she hates music class, someone failed as a teacher

Since I find myself going around this same mountain again, I am not insane enough (or am I) to make the same mistakes. Face to face meetings, talking civilly, stating the facts as I see them, or how my kid perceived them have been in my experience, unhelpful. So this time I asked a coworker, a Taiwanese computer teacher- with kids- what he would do. After I told him the incident (next blog post), he said, "That's ridiculous! This would make it on Taiwanese TV news." He said if it were him, he would go to the Dean of our school to talk with the principal of her school. I immediately dismissed that as underhanded, sneaky, also I didn't want to involve more people who probably had better things to do.

Nevertheless, because the thought had never occurred to me, perhaps his suggestion was right after all. I talked it over with more Taiwanese friends and they concurred this was the best method of conflict resolution for Taiwanese: using someone more powerful, using connections and influence. This felt so wrong, so alien to me.

This friendly computer teacher told the dean and the dean said to first leave it to Z's homeroom teacher and if he cant handle it then he'll get involved. (Her homeroom teacher's reputation proceeds him, teacher Jack is a superstar in these parts). Unfortunately  a talk with Z's Vice Principal did nothing to deter this music teacher. The next class, she was just as mentally abusive and emotional as before.

So back to my method unless something else presents itself. She is only at their school twice a week and I hope to arrange a meeting this Thursday.

Cordial Interrogations: Most Common Questions Being A Foreigner

North of Tamsui a few days after we first moved to Taiwan

My daughter and I have been in Taiwan for almost 8 years (in July) and we still are asked the accustomed inquiries when we first meet Taiwanese. She and I  moved here when she was 2 1/2 years old. She was still in diapers and I was still nursing.

After a year of living in Taiwan,  Aquarium in Kenting

Most Taiwanese are too polite to ask too personal of questions straight away, perhaps the 3rd encounter or so. There are some businesses in Yilan City that my kid and I will straight up not frequent, despite the good service/food, because we get a full on interrogation every time from the whole staff of a very private line of questions.

Taiwanese are curious of course of foreigners here, its a homogeneous society. Especially in Yilan we are a novelty, compared to a more cosmopolitan place like Tainan. It generally gets old, but I try to answer as graciously as possible. My kid who is less self censored by societal norms will half the time flagrantly ignore their examination.

The most common questions in order of frequency:

1. Is your husband Taiwanese?

Keep in mind they ask this in regards to my kid. I know the natural assumption is I'm married because I have a child.  But they are looking at her green eyes and light hair and are marveled that a Taiwanese person can have such a white kid. I still find it incredulous, because I look more "Taiwanese" than she does. I answer first that I'm not married, which always produces a physical reaction akin to, "Oops." And sometimes depending on the situation I'll offer that her father is American and lives in America, again because they are curious to the biological equation.

2. Why did you come to Taiwan?

I usually say,  "Work" when the answer is infinitely more complicated.  Initially it was about being financially independent, she was old enough to go to preschool at the kindergarten I worked at, and I missed living abroad. If I stayed in Colorado sure I could find a better paying job then Taiwan, but I would never see my kid. Now staying in Taiwan is about my kid's Mandarin and all the social benefits of living here. But if I didn't have her I would of left Taiwan years ago.

One of my more interesting students

3. What do you eat?

People seem surprised (always) that I cook (at all) maybe because they can't or don't and its cheap, convenient to eat out here. Since working in Yilan, I have less time for cooking, less time at home generally between my work, and TRX, ballet, weight lifting classes and my daughter's art, and flute classes, that we do eat out more. I still cook, or I should say I have my daughter cook (its the one house chore she loves) on the weekends when we have time.  We like to experiment with all the dearth of fruits and veggies when they come in season. For example, our pink guava bundt cakes turned out great. It doesn't always though, I also like to experiment with replacing wheat flour with brown rice powder or anything and sometimes the cake is more like a protein bar than dessert. When we first moved here and Z was small I made lots of pasta with whatever I have around. Now I use bean noodles and since she can do spicier, coconut curries.

I also try to cook vegetables I've never seen before. We do have our favorite Taiwanese foods. Some aren't too healthy so they are for twice a year, like sweet bubble tea for her and stinky tofu for both of us. Our go-to eating out meals are beef noodle soup, dumplings and sesame noodles. One a  month we eat at the nicer restaurants in the shopping mall, or Western Food places like Balagov's, Slow Train, Slobber's or Tavola's.

Pink guava cake with dragon fruit frosting

4. Do you go back home to visit?

Its pretty expensive, somehow or other we seem to go back every year and half. The first time was during CNY when Z was 3. Mary the then owner of Sharefun in Tainan (my boss) sponsored Z's ticket, which was a godsend. I think we have been back three times (?). The last time, summer of 2015 I was able to pay from my new job's sign on bonus, the summer before then my folks came here.

Family in New Mexico July 2015

5.Will you live in Taiwan forever?

Lately, I've been answering it depends on who is president. Obviously if its Trump (which I doubt) we would stay here. The plan has been to go back when Z is in 6th grade, so she can skip junior high here and the boring, spirit defeating unbalanced life of academics and tests.

6. Is Taiwan better than the U.S?

Both places have their advantages. Obviously its safer here. The chances of an active shooter in Taiwan is almost nil thankfully. The national health care system is fabulous, we can see the dentist or get acupuncture for a few dollars US. The social safety nets here are more civilized. Taiwan is also a fabulous springboard for travel around Asia, we have always taken advantage to bucket airlines, holiday time and neighboring destinations. On the downside my dating options are nonexistent. Men my age are married with kids and the single foreigners are young and want to play in the ocean of hot Chinese toys. Taiwanese men are too shy and honestly I don't have the time or patience to deal with what I see my Taiwanese female friends deal with, I already have a kid (no offense).

 The US is more comfortable, the food is better, at least I have access to healthy foods, gluten free, high quality  organic food and ancient grains which are rare and or expensive here. I don't have to worry about tainted oil, milk, etc back home. There's more of a variety of exercise, dance and yoga classes State side, although Taipei may a have a few here and there. Of course my oldest friends and family are back home. But for a while now Taiwan has been our homestead.

 

What I don't tell people

What I don't tell people, but all my good friends know is the story of  her father. I have nothing to hide, you can guess what I'll say. Her father and I dated on and off for years, even lived together for some of those. We got pregnant on purpose anticipating marriage and then it all went to crap. I was in grad school in England and he was calling me drunk, sending me scary emails about shooting, blowing things up (he likes to target shoot for fun) and was generally off his rocker, very controlling (I couldn't use email to male friends, or couldn't accept baby gifts from my parents, and he even said I couldn't have a telephone.) I made him the ultimatum to see a counselor (which has done before for years) or end the relationship. I went back to the US 22 weeks pregnant to successfully finish my master's dissertation and unsuccessfully get a restraining order on him (judge said his threats were implicit). It was a scary decision  to allow him in my home to see her, but he and his mom lost interest after she was 5 weeks old. He never paid a penny. He knows where my folks live, my email address hasn't changed; basically its effortless to contact me and not once has he asked about her. I assume he's too cheap and too afraid I'll smack him my legal right to garnish his wages.

Having said that, he's always in our prayers.

What is the Grass? Flutes and snakes and Spring Magic

A child said, What is the grass? Fetching it to me with full hands...-Walt Whitman

Nest outside my office:Malayan Night Heron 黑冠麻鷺

 

Its Spring and Yilan is in a state of blissful,  aromatic renewal. Easter was last weekend, Children's Day and Tomb Festival are almost here. The big questions of the meaning of life sandwiched between two Spring Holidays.  This week was full of inconspicuous nuances. My daughter remarked how sometimes she feels so contented and awed by the mundane routine then most times unaware or too busy to notice it. I felt the same, sitting around our airy, cozy kitchen astounded how we have everything we need.

Divine Providence has come through again yesterday in the form of two answered prayers. My child has been pining for a flute for the past year and for a snake for even longer. Like a 2nd birthday she got both just hours apart.

First was the flute. We dashed to the home/studio of her new music teacher before my TRX class.

"She's a natural!"

At the Yamaha music store they only have new, silver flutes for 10,500 NT. Influenced from my childhood, I came with the  parental philosophy that kids borrow an instrument when they start. She has got to earn a new one right? So I bought a used one on eBay and got totally ripped off, the costs of repair would cost the same as the new Yamaha.  The classes they offered there at Yamaha were a serious rip-off, at four times a month for 2800NT and their teacher wasn't even available when we were. So we waited and prayed. My daughter was not amused. I told her not to get mad that this in itself is an answered prayer, something is about to happen.

Her music teacher at her elementary school had a used silver Pearl for 10,000 and we brought it home. Finally at the thought of paying so much,  I started asking the mothers of her classmates and found this nice lady near Yilan University basically within walking distance of my house. We got a new silver flute for 4500 NT and classes are 8x a month for 2000. I am so excited for her, wind instruments are her passion. She wants to play for a symphony someday so she says and why not?

When one of the trainers at my gym, (and the entomologist of Beetle Forest) brought in his albino boa it was love at first sight (for her). Finally a snake connection, as the pet stores here either didn't have much selection or were too expensive.

She hounded him for a snake which he gets through one of his scientist friends. I kept on putting off the snake purchase for as long as I could. And then at the end of last semester with her straight A's, it seemed only fitting that she be rewarded and he was more than willing to find a nice young (small one).

So after Chinese New Years we have been missing each other at the gym until the past week when he had indeed bought her a snake.




 Last night we brought home the still sexless boa my daughter named Medusa. Within 5 minutes of bringing her home I got bit! I draw the line at handling mice and "Snake Dude" offered to buy them for us, but its Z's responsibility. Tomorrow after we pick up her girlfriend for a play date I will let them feed her!

Medusa says hello to my hand