To go to Matt's Wedding or Not to Go

I wavered back and forth deciding if I should make the journey to LA for my youngest bro Matt’s wedding. I had a valid case not to go. The expense of 2 tickets (62,000NT as compared to last years 42,000 NT to Denver during Chinese NY—I waited til the last moment to buy). Taking time off work and the small paycheck, plus if I exceeded 5 days which I did I lost my bonus (not as big as Kid Castle, but the light at the end of the tunnel).


The biggest reason not to go was Id been down this road before. When I was in grad school in England, my bro Andy got married. I was just starting my dissertation, I used my student loan money (which I am still paying off) to fly from York to London and a direct flight from Heathrow to DIA. Then the next day w/my family and then betrothed on a flight to Vegas.

It just felt wrong. A Vegas wedding. Who goes to Vegas on purpose to get married? Andy. And of course at the over the top Bellagio, (think Oceans 11 to the power of 4 sequels). The Bellagio was gorgeous , my dress was gorgeous. My then betrothed and I argued most of the time. Andy the groom dissed his wife and guests by watching the NBA playoffs in some private room. His then wife was intoxicated before the ceremony began. I still cried when they exchanged vows, perhaps it was the only semblance of a meaningful moment in the whole experience, that or the jet lag. It was a fast, plastic ceremony. In and out, next couple, conveyer belt, lunch box feeling. The DJ thought we were Italians and kept making jokes about it, the food was bland and the beer and champagne were not free.

I vowed never again to fly over an ocean for a bro’s wedding (I have 4 brothers). Andy and Cristi divorced 2 years later due to Cristi’s alcoholism and Andy’s control issues (which were tied to keeping her drunk driving under control). The subsequent divorce was horrendous.

The karmic bonus for going home to Andy’s April wedding was I got pregnant. My then on and off betrothed of ten years and I took a familiar hike and found a nice place on the side of a foothill and thought we’re getting married anyways lets just stop using protection and see what happens. I didn’t expect it all to work that fast, I guess neither did he. After the deed was done, when we drove back down the mountain we both were quite sure about the enormity of what happened-- how special that we were aware of it. That we both just knew. The relationship pretty much fell apart from then on, but that’s another story.

Funky Town

Its been ages since Ive blogged or written anything. Went to LA and back, than a weekend in Taipei. With work and Z, just so strapped for time like everyone, Im brain dead by the end of the day. I feel like Ive been in a creative funk, lost my passion or something of my self expression which worms its way out in sometimes not so fun ways (throat issues) and sometimes productive (boring) ways, school worksheets or posters. Having said that I did start some paintings Ive been meaning to paint for some time. I started writing about my Borneo and Cali trips and havent finished them. I will , I will!

I  was getting bored of myself and my hair was getting on my nerves so I had it all cut off, chin length and it feels great. It feels more like me, easy breezy, no maintenance. Blessings to all the people who immediately said " I love it!" and to all of you who just stared and didnt say anything or hesitated and didnt compliment me at all (" you cut your hair"), you all suck! My daughter came with me to the hair salon and being the honest type yelled, "Its so ugly, you look like a boy! Mom-boy! Mom-boy!" Is this what living in Taiwan does to girls? Gender rules are so clearly and sharply defined--all girls have long hair and like pink. Thats pretty much how Toys R Us looks like.

Im happy I can make time to go to the gym which is not very expressive. On Wednesday night I went to my Latin dance class, having looked forward to it all week. The teacher is an aborignal, and  a real dancer, not like these aerobics instructors. She throws alot of choreography at us and its good brain work as much as a sweaty and sexy workout. Im dripping in her class.She is very sultry, comfortable in her body and its  a joy to play to music that way, sometimes she ends the second half of the class in a sexy strip tease class which is awsome. She makes fun of us the whole time and Im laughing in her mimicing us. For the most part the Taiwanese women are pretty tight in their hips, no real grinding, but they are graceful. Jenny our instrucor gets down and dirty and I love it. Its the most action I get all week.

Anyway, last Wed night we had a sub and she was one of  these jazzersize instructors, and I knew I would get no real workout and just get frustrated at her boringness so I left after 5 minutes to the spin class. The spin class had me dripping sweat in no time, but it was so soulless, non expressive, the instuctor  was shouting at us and the seat was killing me. I think a workout should be personal, expressive, creative, mental (as in using my brain, and well maybe  a little crazy too.)

Today I went to the Dr for a sore throat cough, plus electroshock therapy on my shoulders. Seeing the Dr,plus meds, plus heating pad on my shoulder followed by electroshocking them for 20 minutes and massage cost me 150NT and the next time I go for my shoulders and neck will be 50NT. Z will start Karate on Thurs and I know where I will be, getting shocked. Im gonna ask them if they can place those circular pads on other places of my body (I have my reasons), just to see what happens.

When I wakeup, my shoulders and neck are so stiff. It has forced me to do yoga in the morning which is a good thing and of course I feel like a million bucks afterwards, but if I can save a little cash on trips to the masseuse by electro shocking my muscle memory back into place, I'll do it.

Z is in the garden with her Chinese grandpa and Id better go get her its getting dark.

The health store of my mind

I dont know much, but one thing I do know is high quality health care products, and what is not available in Tainan. My mom was a health nut extremist who always shopped in health food stores, I used to work in one when I was an undergrad (then came Whole Foods who put us out of business), my dear friend worked at Vitamin Cottage and this knowledge has just accumulated over the years.

Now Foods brand products are available here but not all. There is acidopholis but no Gabba. I dont know maybe they have it at the Taiwan distributor, but I dont see it on the shelves and their website is all in Mandarin. Now Foods definately has some nice clays (just add water) for the face which would be a toxic free alternative to the masks available here. There is omega fish oils, but not the best brand for it. There is Burt's Bee's (thank God). Once Cosmed carried Dr. Bonners for like 6 months and then poof no more.

If I could supply the local health food stores in Tainan, or have my own, this is a list of essentials based on what I have on my own shelves in my home which I managed to stuff in my suitcase. :

1. Gluten-free products. A gluten-free lifsetyle is not really possible here, which is a shame. Well it is in theory, you can eat brown rice or millet everyday and soba noodles (read the labels the buckwheat is often mixed with wheat flour), but doesnt sound fun to me. I miss having brown rice flour, buckwheat flour, rye flour, amaranth flakes, quinoa italien noodles, sorgum flour and just the dirth of grain variety that is available at home. The grocery store in Mitzikoshi does sell some Bob's Redmill hot cereal products, but thats about it. I would definately import a variety of gluten free flours and bake to my hearts content. The grocery store at Mitzokoshi used to sell German black rye bread, but not lately.

2. Dr. Bonners. I cant imagine a world without this, whether camping or traveling, such a versatile, good for the earth product.

3. The crystal body deodorant. Toxic free and effective. The rock lasts years, and they have a spray one too.

4. Aruvedic medicine and Himalayan Herbals. I discovered this on my travels in India and when I returned to the States to give birth,  I noticed the health food stores were starting to carry miniscule amounts of their selection. Add to this, Chyawanprash and Dabur products, Auromere products and the magical plant Neem, neem oil, neem toothpaste, shampoo, it can also be taken internally.

5. Teas.  Seems redundant, Taiwan being an Oolong drinking culture. But women here (as anywhere) are suckers for weight loss products and thats why I bought a 2 pound bag of pure South American Yerba Mate. Sure it tastes like crap, its extremely bitter, but I noticed Carrefore starting to carry Yerba Mate blends (cut the bitterness with some sweetness.) Again seems redundant as Oolong also helps metabolize fat  and alkalize the blood, but Im a sucker for purity. Pure BrazilianYerba Mate from Nativa Herbs. Zhena's Gypsy Teas need to be here because they come in cool, colorful tins and other than being organic and a fair trade product have some tasty blends. Black teas. There is not alot to choose from in Taiwan, Yellow Label, yuck, lots of tea from Sri Lanka (which is not bad I just am an Assam girl).  From my recent Borneo holiday I discovered Sabah Tea, and my all time preference is Taylors of Harrogate Yorkshire Gold.

6. Minerals like Colloidal Silver, Dead Sea Mineral products, and the wonderful Ionic Tonic.

7. It would be great to offer the people of Tainan, Colonics and Mayan Uterine Massage. My Taiwanese friend told me it was near impossible to find enemas here, so maybe start out with providing home enema products before the full on Colonics.

8. Yoga classes, real, unadulturated yoga classes, with real ujaii breathing, w/o balls, tai chi, pilates, starting out with sun salutations, followed by 2 legged, then 1 legged poses, floor poses and a coherent closing sequence. (This subjectdeserves its own post).

I  could sit here and write about this all day, but got to get back to making breakfast, maybe a bike ride w/Z.

The land below the wind

During Chinese New Year, Z and I spent 12 nights and 13 days in Sabah, Malaysian Borneo.  It was all such a gift, such a blessing to get away from familiar Taiwan for a while, to spend some time just with Z, to share the magical adventure of experiencing a new, unfamiliar, country together. People were wonderful, from helpful locals, to lovely travelers offering advice and encouragement. Its such a confirmation to hear mere strangers verbalize out loud what I have been thinking to myself in private about the hopeful confidence I have that me and Z do and will have a good life. This trip also reconfirmed for me that I am a creative person and the past few years I have undervalued that significant part of myself and of the creative process which is Holy.

To travel is like having an enhanced, supra-condensed form of everyday life. There are moments of being alone and moments of sweet companionship, everything is magnified. Every conversation, every moment of doing nothing, lying in a hammock, or on some ferry or shared taxi, life seems to be pointing something at me, a destination, a new dream, direction. One veil is lifted from my eyes, one moment at a time. I am given vision, my past, with all its hurts and disappointments, the stark reality of where I am Now, standing on the cusp of what will be and its all working in the background for me, for my good. During one of my first nights in Kota Kinabalu, I had one of those dreams. Sometimes I dream of people I have psychic connections with. Usually its my mom or a brother, an old friend or lover, and I truly believe we contact each other, like an intergalactic, space-time telepathic Skype, they receive me and have the same dream time in their time. This time, I contacted Z’s father and I told him, “listen I guess I’ve been alone these 5 years because secretly I’ve been waiting for you to come around. She has been asking about you and you ought to contact her, you know where to find me. As for me, I’m not waiting around for you anymore.” A lot of psychic baggage was lifted off my shoulders.

Sometimes these cosmic messages get lost in the everyday grind of routine. Its hard to be in a place of undeniable vulnerability when every moment of every day is accounted for, even moments of rest are penciled in. My blood needs to be stirred, I need to be launched out of my comfort zone, maybe I need a little bit of danger, definitely high adventure and I am then so aware of how I am loved, loved by God, the Universe, THE higher power, Christ consciousness, whatever you call It. At these moments when He has my absolute attention (I say ‘He’ because I am in this divine relationship, the Beloved) and I say, “God you have my attention, I am listening”, and then I am wooed, the Universe literally sings me a love song.  Not just any love song, but a particular song that once had a special significance to me that I forgot about throughout the years (in this case a song from my Barcelona days that I never told a soul about). And then it becomes more meaningful and personal. Like when we were abandoned by our dodgy driver in Kota Belud, we are saved by angels or stuck in Sipilok from the absence of local transport, we were blessed with personal encounters with endangered animals (in this case an orangutan). What are the “chances” of seeing the rare Rafflesia flower in bloom? So casually my beautifully made, indigenous driver pulls over and the flowers were not even intentioned destination, just by chance, on the way to something also equally wonderful.

There is no good or bad luck, when I am ready to take the chance to buy that ticket, to take the journey, I am truly transported, divinely escorted. In the case of my Borneo experience, my cup truly ran over and I didn’t need to do anything but be there in the position of receiving. It all increased my faith that Z and I are loved and looked after, no need to worry about absolutely anything.

How am I integrating this into my daily life now that I have returned to work, to cleaning my house and rushing to get to work on time? I am not stressing on my floors, no more everyday, 2 times a day, the laundry can wait, and so what if I am late! And if I don’t make it into the gym at lunch, I will survive. In fact I’ve returned with this determination, actually this victory of mind over portion control, in fact I am already always satisfied, satiated. I don’t mind being single nor am I worried about Z being “fatherless”. Her father is Divine and He has given her this ability to re-translate, to be the Alchemist who transforms lead into pure gold. Before the trip I was already content, but I returned with a deeper understanding of content-ness, a fresh experience of Grace that is priceless. So now you see why my trip was such a gift.

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The Five flavors of life and last year as a dish

One of my language exchange friends had another interesting discussiong about food. We were discussing the five flavors (she is always giving me recipes for Taiwanese foods.) She said that life is like the five flavors and that got me thinking about the past year. The flavors are: sweet ( 甜   tian),  sour (酸  suan) , spicey ( 辣  la),   salty ( 鹹  xian), bitter (苦 ku).

I can say what 2010 was not. It was not a very spicey, nor was it bitter. It wasnt sour, but there were moments of sweetness, my daughter, going home for Chinese New Year, weekend island trips, friends. Otherwise, the year was very bland, just working hard, working out hard (is that salty or pungent ?) If I could describe the past year as a dish it might be something peasanty, nutritious, simple,w/o pretentions. Often when I am in a hurry and want something warm and nourishing I will make a white bean stew with carrots and celery, heavy on the garlic, and throw in a couple of pork ribs. If my year could be a Taiwanese dish, it would be rice congee or just a simple noodle soup, fortified with rice wine and black sesame oil.

What am I hoping for 2011? More nourishing sweetness.

Which do you prefer?

Since living in Tainan these 2 1/2 years and another 1 1/2 years in Taipei way back when, I have developed some preferences, some of which changed. I will share:

1. Night Market or Morning Market

I prefer the morning market. Of course I love night markets and having lived in Taipei have been to a variety of local ones (outside my apartment in Tamsui near the beach) and the big touristy, packed like sardines ones(Shilin). Night market food is always fun to try but except for Stinky Tofu I am not always satisfied. I love the morning markets, you see people buying what they need for everyday life, food for the night's meal, not just night market food, but handmade noodles, dumplings, black sesame candies, Chinese medicines, free range eggs. I find the clothes are cheaper, the fruit and vegetables are higher quality than the supermarket and of course in Anping the fish is super fresh. I guess I like being a "regular" at the local market and getting preferential treatment.

2. Carrefore or RT Mart

Carrefore has better baked goods, flour tortillas and imported food (pesto, corn chips, brie, whole wheat noodles). RT-Mart can have some real great deals. They had organic green lentils and quinoa, which no one but me was buying and then one day they had it all marked off 50%. RT-Mart also marks down fruits and veggies so often, sometimes I am lucky enough to buy produce by 75%, great for fruit shakes and veggies for my juicer. Carrefore’s marked down fruits are often inedible. I go to both equally, RT Mart is closer to me.

3. Public Transport or Scooter

In Tainan I need my scooter. I have tried public transport here and it was a nightmare, even something seemingly simple like the free bus 88 which goes to all the touristy historical places are at the mercy of the driver’s whims. (In Taipei I always used public transport, which was efficient and cheap. Except for going out on weekends when I needed to share a cab after the midnight MRT train closed.)


4.Rice or Noodless

Noodles are more fun to eat. I have purple rice and brown rice, but noodles are still way more fun.


5. White sesame or black sesame

Black sesame. More fragrant, richer flavor, healthier.


6. Family Mart or 7-11

7-11. I have 2 right around the corner, and I can pay my bills, taxes, transfer money, buy concert tickets, update my phone card, send a Federal Express and buy a cappuccino. Usually I run into an old acquaintance there and once a week I have my language exchange next to middle schoolers having their dinner of Japanese curry in between night English and piano.

7. Foreign Men or Taiwanese Men

I’m afraid this hasn’t been much of an issue since I have been here. Foreign men have a bad rap here in Tainan, sleazy, exploitive, womanizers (of course I know foreign men contrary to that). The majority of local men my age have their own families. Hopefully 2011 will shed more light on this subject.

Thoughts on Thanksgiving

Its that time of year again to be reminded to cultivate thankfulness. The other day my daughter asked me what "mashed potatoes were" after I explained what Americans usually do and eat on Thanksgiving. When I explained how to make them she said, "yuck, gross!" and I laughed. Of course Taiwan has potatoes and I occasionally buy them to make baked potatoes or hash browns, but she prefers sweet potatoes. In her English class she made  turkey hand print arts and crafts and learned about 'pilgrims and Indians.' The other night on the scooter she asked me "why did the English people leave England and come to America?"

Really I love Thanksgiving, the food, the fellowship, the 4 day weekend. But my conscious does bother me that I am somehow perpetuating the myth of a first Thanksgiving feast where the Indigenous and White colonists were passing and puffing the pipe of peace. There is this image of one big pot-luck of everyone bringing something to the table, but really if the Native Americans were teaching the colonists how to survive, I doubt the colonists contributed anything to the meal. It really is one big feel good holiday to subdue, contain and mask White guilt for the theft and geneocide of North America (in my humble opinion.) While I am channeling Lisa Simpson, please do not get too annoyed at my bursting the bubble on such a wonderful, family holiday.

I am all for teaching my child and students that cultivating thankfulness is akin to cultivating the presence of God. That gratitude is  a lifestyle and not just the name of a holiday. That being thankful for what I have keeps me out of any depressive self pity, coveting for more than I need, and that I actually get a lot help from friends.

Yet is is good to have a holiday and time of year to remind me that gratitude is worth celebrating. If only White America would come to terms with history, take responsibility I think the ripple effects of healing would be worldwide.

Thanks for my Taiwan adventure, thanks for employment, for my daughter and our health, for health care and living in a country where I do not have to worry about affordable access to medicine, dentists, care. For mild 70 degree Fahrenheit winters, tropical fruit and sea food. Thanks for my daughter's fluent Mandarin and my chance to learn it. For friends that help me when I need them most, for friends far away where we easily pick up where we left off. Thanks for Skype and seeing my parents every weekend. Thanks for a long lunch and a gym just around the corner. I am thankful to live in Tainan near the beach. Thanks for a simple life, for not owning too much. Thanks for Grace that covers me so that I never lack.